I finally accepted the fact that this wouldn't be something I could control. It wasn't just another goal on my vision board that I could just create a checklist for and make happen. Several years of trying, treatment after treatment, 1 ectopic pregnancy, 6 miscarriages, countless ovulation calendars and everything in between, it looked more and more like I wouldn't get the baby I wanted so badly. I was so angry. My siblings were having kids left and right, my mother had 9 without any problems and here I was, doing everything by the plan and I couldn't have a baby. Constantly being asked when we were going to have a baby and feeling like a failure because I kept miscarrying. Blaming myself and wondering over and over if my decision from the few years prior were to blame. It was the follow up appointment after my last miscarriage and ruptured cysts. The decision was to give up and get back on birth control. My OB at the time recommended I get back on birth control and stop trying to prevent the number of cysts I was getting and reduce the symptoms of my PCOS. I left the appointment so devastated. My husband met me at the house with tears in my eyes. He felt so helpless. He always did when it came to the baby thing. He got so used to giving me everything I wanted, and this was one of those things neither one of us controlled. He suggested we get away. So, we both put 3 weeks of leave (vacation) in and decided to take a road trip. We ended up in New Orleans. With no checklist in hand, we decided that we would just be free and enjoy every moment of our time together. I don't think I had a sober night in New Orleans. Between the amazing food, drinks, and live music we had an amazing time. It was so much fun. Falling in love all over again, It was the most liberating time we'd have together in such a long time. It was time to wrap things up and head home. We decided that we would both focus on our careers, become officers, do 20 years of military service, retire than become foster parents or adopt. That was the new plan. I was ok with it. It would take time to get used to, but I was ok with it. In that moment I decided to be happy. I was grateful for such a loving and understanding partner. Life was good and everything was going to be ok. We got home and started unpacking our bags. As I emptied my bags, I realized my period bag was still packed. I pulled out my phone and realized my period was actually about a week late. I knew I had a pregnancy test in my drawer, so I decided to use it just to see. There it was the double line, faint, but there. I ran to the room to tell my husband and I could see the disappointment on his face. Babe don't do this to yourself. I thought we were good with the new plan. I can't do this rollercoaster of emotions. We just got back; things have been so good the past few weeks. I just walked away. I could tell he was hurt and defeated by this whole thing. Something felt different though. My decision to surrender and be free the last 3 weeks and forget about the pregnancy process gave me peace. This time my body was ready in every way to carry this baby to term. I wouldn't be able to get in to see a doctor until after 12 weeks because the appointments were so backed up. I remember constantly trying to talk to my husband about it and he would always say, “I don't want to get excited. The doctor already told us not to get our hopes up. I don't want to just keep watching you do this to yourself. A baby isn't worth your health and your life to me.”
I would always respond in turn, “I get it. I understand but I know this time is different.”
We decided not to talk about it until I saw the doctor. Week after week, month after month, no problems. I wasn't sick, no issues, just a growing baby inside of me. At 20 weeks It was time for our anatomy appointment. I begged him to come with me. It's the furthest I made it in any of my pregnancies. They started the ultrasound and there she was, her heartbeat started to beat and as we held each other’s hands. I knew he finally believed me. This time would be different. Our little blessing was right there on the screen. Everything looks good. You're no longer high risks and can carry on as usual. At that moment it became real. It was safe to accept it. It was safe to tell our family and friends. We had finally been blessed with our little miracle. And a few months later we met the little twinkling star in our life. Our little miracle baby has been the joy we both needed. Our little rock star in every way. I'm thankful, and grateful that my maker found me worthy of motherhood and chose me to be her mom.