If people evaluate their lives and conflict, they will realize that some of it stems from their own unhappiness. We go into relationships broken with the idea that our partner has a job to fix us. We then measure their worth as a partner through this obligation of fixing us when it has nothing to do with them at all. When they can't fix us, and when someone gets tired of the blame game, the relationship suffers, it becomes vulnerable, someone leaves, or cheats and the pureness of the relationship is ruined and some simply move on to the next. Understanding your role and responsibilities in the partnership is important. I think a big majority of it is about self-happiness and fulfillment. So many times, we look to others to make us happy and when they don't it creates conflict, when in actuality, they should only be a supplement to the happiness you've created for yourself. Some of us don't know how to make ourselves happy, yet we blame others for not being able to do so as well. In a relationship I believe it's important that both partners know how to make themselves happy. I couldn't really articulate what was wrong, I just knew I didn't feel happy. I remember my husband feeling so defeated and asking me what I wanted? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I have everything. You love and respect me. Sex is amazing, finances are great, you're romantic, you love my family, we travel the world, go on vacation, I'm spoiled in so many ways and the list goes on. Yeah we fight and have our obstacles but I have it all. So why aren't you happy? What does the perfect day for you look like? A spa day, finished off with an amazing steak dinner, wine, chocolates, and roses, topped off with some cuddle time and music. Well so I thought but it turns out that my perfect day wasn't so perfect because I wasn't in the right mind space to be present or happy. See I lived a life suppressing so much pain that I convinced myself that happiness wasn't for me. Whenever I experienced a little bit of happiness, something else would come up and ruin it. So, I figured if I didn't allow myself to get happy about things, I wouldn't be disappointed. It was a coping mechanism that I'd use to protect myself. But one I didn't realize I was using. Yet whenever I felt unhappy, I somehow found a way to blame it on him. Well, you're not around enough, I must start a new career again, time to PCS again, I don't have any friends, I miss my friends in FL, I miss my family, I want stability....it was always something.
Yes, some of those things are hard and I'm not minimizing them, but that's the life we chose together. We knew from day one this is how things would be. When we met, we were both military so we knew and discussed what hardships would come our way. The only reason it was a major problem and the source of my unhappiness now was because #1 I changed the plan on my own, #2 I started guilting him for not being around all of the time to create my happiness and #3 it's always easier to blame others for things when you don't want to have to look at yourself in the mirror and reveal the truth.
Just like I wasn't on the ship all of the time to make him happy, he wasn't here to make me happy. We had to accept the life we were living and find a way to create our own happiness outside of each other. I remember sitting on the side of the bed and just listening to him ask me over and over if I wanted him to get out.
"At what point do you accept that this is the life we chose. I'll get out right now if you want me to. You hold that key. I just want you to be sure, that being here is truly what will make you happy. I'll start a new career if you can't take this life anymore, just say the word. So, what do you want?"
There was no more running away. At that exact moment I had the power to make the choice. Everything I was blaming him for, he was ready and willing to walk away from if it would truly make me happy. Deep down inside I knew that wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t him leaving, it wasn’t us being far away from family, it had nothing to do with anyone else. It had everything to do with me.
I wasn’t happy because I didn’t know how to be. I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t committed to truly being happy. I had plenty of people wanting to be friends, I had plenty of social invites coming my way. The sense of loneliness I felt had everything to do with me. I was in a state of depression for so long that that feeling became my norm. Anything outside of it felt foreign. I had to find ways to resort back to that feeling so I could feel like myself again. Regardless of what impact it had on my family and friends.
I didn’t want to be unhappy; I just didn’t know how to reverse the feeling and anxiety I felt being happy. I had to breakdown the safety mechanism that my brain was using to protect me. I had to stop taking the easy route and playing the blame game and get to the root causes of my unhappiness. I started journaling and created a column of everything that made me unhappy, every time I felt darkness in my life and every situation that gave me anxiety. With each revelation, I took the time to analyze the situation and its impact on my life. They all went into a pile of things I can control or things I have zero control over. Out of a list of about 30 items, there were only 4 that I had true control over, and I tackled those things. I allowed myself to sit in the emotion, write about it and meditate. I started daily affirmations giving myself permission to enjoy the good things in my life. Permission to embrace being loved the right way. Permission to have fun and permission to simply live. Permission to be filled with light instead of darkness. Permission to be HAPPY!
Have you taken the time to evaluate the unhappiness in your life? Are you blaming the right source for that unhappiness? Are you putting in the work to truly be happy? In life you have to deal with what cut you or you'll bleed on those who didn't hurt you. Regardless of how bad you've been hurt in your past, it's ok to take the steps to heal and be happy now.